ten mins to midnight

Sometimes you need to just keep your fingers moving over the keys. Sometimes I hate everything I write, or everything I used to write, and then I think I’ll hate everything I’m going to write. Then I remember that fiction is my greatest friend. Limited by the reality, everything comes out wrong. When you imagine it – that thing that might happen- of course it will disappoint you if it ever comes to this, but in the meantime imaginary might delight. Sometimes you break for the afternoon and ten minutes of typing is the recentre, recalibrate, rework.

Sonia is coming. She won’t marry me equally. I always knew it. Sigh.

 I was whispering in my sleep
All the secrets that I keep
I tell them to you while you dream and drown
And all the while I weep

The first time you kissed me, I was part awkward, part delighted, part out of my mind,
In anticipation I’d have swallowed you whole, whole as only the ocean can swallow,
Translucent light, your lips danced mine, your small hand hot on the back of my neck
Later, when walking home, I felt the delicate warmth of me between my thighs
And though you left me at my doorstep,
I made my fingers briny with the hope of you the first ocean lovely time you kissed me.

I was whispering in my sleep
All the secrets that I keep
I tell them to you while you dream and drown
And all the while I weep

The first time you fucked me, I was part whole and wholesome, part dissolving, part out of my mind,
In anticipation I’d been teasing myself to thoughtful impatience, waiting as only the happy can wait,
Athletic and strong, you navigated all my well-mapped territories, your small hand hot between my legs
I left my tongue against your neck, your delicate warmth against my thigh,
And though we left each other at our doorsteps,
I loved your fingers briny with the hope of me the first traveller time you fucked me.

I was whispering in my sleep
All the secrets that I keep
I tell them to you while you dream and drown
And all the while I weep

The first time you made me come, I was part lost, part found, part homeless dog, part out of my mind,
In frustration you’d been teasing me, knowing as only the body strong know,
That I had a hard wall of territory, somewhere between the give and the take, whose small hand controls the made and the make,
You left your tongue against the delicate warmth between my thighs,
Opening the door, and walking in to my bedroom as if you owned me,
I loved your fingers briny with the hope of us the first conquering time you made me come.

I was whispering in my sleep
All the secrets that I keep
I tell them to you while you dream and drown
And all the while I weep

The first time I knew you were fucking around, I was awkward, dissolving, dog out of my mind,
Indecently, you drowned me whole, the flashing message on your careless phone,
Ocean walls broke and washed all the territory, broke all the knuckles on my small hands,
I burned my tongue with cigarette scotch on our doorstep, warming the bottle between my thighs,
And then opened the door, walked into our bedroom where I had once owned we,
And cried my fingers briny with the hoplessness of you the first time I knew you were fucking around.